My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
