And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
