Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
