Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize