walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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