I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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