he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
