the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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