I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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