yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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