I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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