I didn't shave. On purpose
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
