My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Someone came in the potted fern
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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