Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Randomize
