I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
