I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
This toilet bowl is my home.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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