I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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