So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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