Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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