My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
