watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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