So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
