i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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