Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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