I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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