Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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