I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
