worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
