My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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