i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
