yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
