I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
did i just pee glitter
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
