well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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