Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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