you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
