Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
