someone threw a dead crab at me
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize