Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
