Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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