It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
