You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
