Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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