and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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