You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
