I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
