I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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