You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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