I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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