I haven't been this sober since birth.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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