dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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