if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
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