Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
