so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize