I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
