Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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