Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
