You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Enjoy the penises
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
