remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
