Man, jail baloney is awful.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
