how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
