you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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