first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
