Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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