I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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