currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
