Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
