We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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