Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
