i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I touched a dick in church today
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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