Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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