i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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