You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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