i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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