i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
