St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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