I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
