So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
