I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
